The week after Lucy was born my mom came for two weeks. I will forever cherish that special time with her. When she was here she asked me a sobering question. She wanted to know what she could have done better when we were little. I was so taken back by that question. My parents gave me a beautiful gift, a happy childhood. I searched my brain for negative thoughts and memories surrounding those years to give her a constructive answer. I knew my parents fought at times, that my Dad worked long hours to make ends meet and money was tight. But I just shook my head because I couldn’t find any bad memories. I was baffled that the homeschooling, full-time working, sacrificial, do anything for you Mama I know and love was asking me what she could have done better.

As a mom, I worry more than I ever have before. I could easily blame that on relocating to Japan at 8 months pregnant, not being able to read any label off anything I buy for Lucy, or how I can’t ask my pediatrician questions in English. But I honestly don’t think any of that is why. If I strip all of that away and look at my heart I know I’m not fearful as a mama because of my surroundings. I don’t give into anxiety and let it grip me and pull me under because I’m a foreigner. The truth is I am terrified that I am messing her up or doing something wrong. 

Something clicked that day talking to my mom, a woman I truly admire. When I think about her vulnerability and insecurity I start to understand that my heart is the issue. As a mom I am my own source of worry and fear. I set standards for myself that are based on a false reality that I can control the highs and lows that life throws at me. I had a wonderful childhood and the woman that made that possible wanted to know if she should have made different choices. The problem isn’t the childhood I give Lucy, it’s the control I think I have over her happiness. I am not God and I will never know what each day holds. No matter what path we choose for our lives and our babies' childhood we are not truly in control.

As a mom it is my responsibility to teach Lucy that life is a roller coaster. No matter where you came from bad things happen and in those times happiness is a choice. If my foundation is built on the life I try to give Lucy, there is no security in that. Awful things happen around the world every single day. Houses burn, good people get very sick and accidents happen. So whenever I start to feel worry and anxiety sneak up on me I remind myself that God is real. I gently tell myself to rest in the truth that our Heavenly Father is in control. As a mama that is where I find my peace.