This year I became a Mom. I never thought in a million years that the process would look like it has. When it was finalized that we would be moving to Japan it felt a bit like I was seeing my life as an onlooker. Like I drifted away from my body and watched myself pack boxes. Things I dreamt of surrounding the growth and birth of Lucy couldn’t and didn’t happen the way I imagined. I honestly think I was in a little bit of shock. Everything happened like a whirl wind around me. I quickly and quietly traded in all of my expectations like an exchange for bowling shoes. There was a new plan, a new life. I slipped on my new roles and got a crash course on true friendship those days. Some people disappeared completely from our lives and others showed up with eager helping hearts.

There were so many little things that I didn’t even know I was emotionally attached to. I will never forget the phone call with my husband telling me what we thought to be a two room apartment was actually one and there would be no nursery to decorate. You could have told me my long loved childhood dog just died tragically. I sobbed on the spot, like ugly cry, couldn’t breathe. In that moment the reality set in. I sat there and felt the weight of it, that I was getting on a plane 8 months pregnant flying across the world away from my family. I let myself feel it, and I was absolutely terrified.

The feeling of letting go and being open to whatever happens in life was what terrified me. Living in that state of mind is not comfortable or easy. But I can tell you that it is freeing. This year has taught me that peace is not in detailed planning. I have learned that there is so much freedom in accepting that I am not in control. I have to constantly remind myself that life is unpredictable. I set myself up for such failure when I construct detailed plans for our future in my head. I allow so much fear and worry to creep in, holding those dreams up, trying to stabilize them. I let the fear of something happening to the people I love cripple me instead of building a foundation on hope and trust. A foundation on the things that matter most in this life. There is such beauty in living in the precious little moments of the everyday. Of appreciating where you are.

Peace is found when your foundation of who you are does not need the material things of this world. Freedom and beauty are found in contentment. And chances are when you let go of your expectations, you will find that the life you are living is better then you could have ever imagined.

“Why did you move to Japan?”

It’s the most popular question that I have been asked during this season of life. It’s also the most difficult to answer. With most adult life choices there just isn’t an easy answer. I wish there was, but there isn’t. That’s why they require age to make them, right? Somehow when you turn a magical number you are smart enough to make these huge life decisions. Maybe it’s because we started this journey into marriage so young (20 and 24) or maybe it’s because I’m such an indecisive person, but I still have days that I feel like I shouldn’t be responsible for such big choices.

Before I answer the question I need to give some background that I’ve only shared with a few dear ones in the past. I never talked about it much because something like moving to another country is drastic and can be upsetting and hurtful to loved ones. I think I may have done more harm than good in some ways because delivering the news was pretty shocking to some and I think it did cause pain.

The truth is the “Japan” conversation has always been part of our relationship way back since before we were even married. We talked about wanting to travel and in my mind that meant the world on vacations. Sean was more open to living abroad. I was never against Asia and he was never against anywhere else but for some reason the conversation always ended up back on Japan.

From a wife’s perspective “why Japan?” is really not something that I can explain. Because it’s something that is just a part of Sean. I married a man who has thick dirty blonde hair, an amazing smile and James for a middle name. He loves organization, watching football and is the most incredible writer I have ever met. He has a weakness for pastries, needs alone time to recharge, desires to serve the Lord, is extremely loyal and has a heart for Japan. It’s who he is. It’s not a choice he made, it’s a part of him.

I would like to say it was easy to trust him and follow him. That I knew that everything would work out and I gladly stood by him. But that’s not who I am. I prayed for God to change his heart. For years I thought that there was a way around it. Then I realized I was making a huge error. I was missing a big opportunity to be the kind of wife I want to be. The person that only I could be for Sean. His number one fan. The person that jumps in the boat and grabs an oar. To be the kind of spouse that I want to be married to. So I said yes.

And you know what happened? Everything fell into place chillingly perfect. The time leading up to the move, the move, the birth of our baby girl, getting a car, setting up the house, finding a church and making friends. The piece that’s hard and should be hard is being away from the people that I love. If that didn’t break my heart and wreck me at times that means I wasn’t loving them like I should have been when we lived close.

Normally, we show all of the fun things we are doing and adventures we are experiencing. And all of that is absolutely wonderful. Our marriage has grown in so many ways and honestly I feel closer to Sean and have more fun with him than ever before. But it’s not all rainbows and butterflies and some days are really hard. What I cling to in those times is valuing the season that I am in.

A wise woman said to me (my mother) “Choosing your spouse throughout life only ever leads to good things”. So when people ask me “why did you move to Japan?” these days I normally just laugh and ask how much time they have.