Mom so hard
February 24, 2017
I love being a mom. I really do. It is by far the most amazing role I have ever had. Her sweet little soul, those darling smiles and bright baby blue eyes. She is all I could have dreamed she would be and more, breathtaking. I am so honored to have a child I am able to hold in my arms. I truly believe I was made to be a mama. I understand that it is an incredible blessing to have my baby
here on this earth to care for.
That doesn’t mean it’s not freaking hard.
Giving all of yourself daily to another person is painstaking. Yes, we
can do it. The tasks of being a parent are totally “doable”. No matter what hand you were dealt, if you have 1 baby or 10. Children with challenges or special needs. You can do it, change them,
feed them, clothe them and give them what they need. Parents are absolutely amazing. I don’t think that’s the hard part. Don’t get me wrong, those things are exhausting and physically draining. But I think the hard part is the responsibility. The responsibility of not screwing them up and keeping them alive. That’s the part that weighs on you. That keeps you awake during the only 4 hours of sleep you actually have a chance at. It’s overwhelming to think that your child depends on you to know so much. And if you don’t know it, look it up or find someone who does. Wow, it’s a lot to handle.
This past week my daughter was 15 weeks. It was a normal day. We played and I did laundry and dishes ran some errands then showered while she napped. I felt off and I couldn’t put my finger on it. You know those days? When you are so full of emotion but you can’t figure out if you’re happy or sad or just confused with life? It wasn’t until I crawled into bed at night that I felt the flood gates open with my husband asking me if I was OK.
can do it. The tasks of being a parent are totally “doable”. No matter what hand you were dealt, if you have 1 baby or 10. Children with challenges or special needs. You can do it, change them,
feed them, clothe them and give them what they need. Parents are absolutely amazing. I don’t think that’s the hard part. Don’t get me wrong, those things are exhausting and physically draining. But I think the hard part is the responsibility. The responsibility of not screwing them up and keeping them alive. That’s the part that weighs on you. That keeps you awake during the only 4 hours of sleep you actually have a chance at. It’s overwhelming to think that your child depends on you to know so much. And if you don’t know it, look it up or find someone who does. Wow, it’s a lot to handle.
This past week my daughter was 15 weeks. It was a normal day. We played and I did laundry and dishes ran some errands then showered while she napped. I felt off and I couldn’t put my finger on it. You know those days? When you are so full of emotion but you can’t figure out if you’re happy or sad or just confused with life? It wasn’t until I crawled into bed at night that I felt the flood gates open with my husband asking me if I was OK.
You see, I’m learning a lot as a new mom. I’m learning that if you’re not really careful you can forget to fill back up and you're left empty. And that’s no one’s fault but your own. A big
ol' empty mama with all of her love given away and none left for herself. With puke down her shirt, yesterday’s makeup smudged on her face and a mess of a mom bun. If you give all your love away and don’t have any leftover you look at that puked on mama in the mirror and tell her
she is a bad mom. That she probably sucks and isn’t cutting it. That she should just
give up now because she probably already screwed it up. That there's no reason why she can’t journal more and take more pictures of her baby.
That she should be able to keep up on the house work and have no problem with getting all the laundry done.That dinner should be made like a picture from Pinterest and babies should always be clean with their nails clipped (no one likes clipping a baby's nails). You have no love and no grace left over for yourself.
Being a mother is so humbling. It’s teaching me that I have a lot to learn and work on. I never realized that saving love and grace for myself was going to be so important. I honestly thought it was all about pouring into her. That night Sean looked at me and said simply “we are going to screw it up”. For some reason I smiled when he said that. I felt such relief in those words. Instantly both of my parent’s faces popped up in my head. Two people that I absolutely adore who probably
thought they were screwing it up. They are
incredible parents and I hope and pray I can be like them.
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