Be Still and Know
October 13, 2016
“Be still and know that I am God.” Psalm 46:10
I am someone who feels emotion very deeply. I normally can’t help the intensity of what I am feeling. As a nurse I learned how to compartmentalize the deepest of emotions in order to function effectively and efficiently in my job.
When it comes to the ones I love the deepest, my husband, family and dearest friends, I don’t have this mechanism. When people I love are hurting or walking through a hard time it breaks me. I franticly scramble trying to think of anything I can possibly do to help the situation. Normally I do this by my actions. By driving to them and being with them. Taking them comfort in forms of gifts or food. Checking in on them to keep up with the struggles of those hardest moments.
I knew Japan would have its challenges but I can honestly say I underestimated. In the short two months we have been here so much has happened back home. Heartache, joy in the welcoming of new life, new challenges and jobs, excitement of adding love through adoption, sickness and confusion. All things that I long to be present in. I want to walk near the ones I love. Not being there in person for the highs and the lows has left me feeling more helpless than I could have ever anticipated.
Silence and solitude used to be something I coveted. Words that sounded so peaceful and welcoming. But when you’re truly quiet you see yourself. The good the bad and the ugly. Being left alone with your own thoughts every day is eye opening. It is extremely humbling to accept that there is truly nothing that I can do to fix things for the people I love. Bad things and good things happen. Life happens. It has been a grueling process as I have slowly let go of the control that I thought I had.
I have learned that in life I tend to let the problem that is right in front of me be the biggest thing in the world to me. I thought I could control my own peace by trying to calm storms. In contrast, my husband is a big picture person and my rock...
It’s pretty uncomfortable to feel like I need God. I need the peace that He gives me when I can’t actively love my people and stay busy. I have learned is that there is really nothing to be afraid of. I know that God is faithful and that no matter the highs and lows he has been there through the ages and seen much more.
I don’t know why we are here in this season of change. I do know that I have seen myself in a new light and understand more of who God is. At the end of the day that’s enough for me.
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